Later, as my disease progressed, I did several times throw up simply from overeating so much. I now am grateful that I wasn’t able to purge because all that would have done was allowed me to keep on binging even more. My back and throat would be sore after that, and I used to hate myself that I couldn’t go through with it and had to just wait for my stomach to stop hurting and my head to stop being so foggy from eating too much. I have some pretty vivid memories of kneeling over the toilet for hours, jamming a finger down my throat to the point of gagging, but being unable to hold it there long enough to actually throw up. I have tried to purge but was unsuccessful. Here’s some more of my overeating history - just some of the highlights of how this disease progresses.
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable. Yes, compulsive overeating can give me all kinds of horrible diseases over the course of my lifetime. One time I did this I had people pulling over in their cars and yelling things at me while I walked, but it didn’t stop me from going out like that every night of the entire trip. I didn’t finish with my work responsibilities until late at night and I would wait until most everyone else was asleep and then would walk, sometimes for miles, to a store to buy food. Several times I was on work trips and at a hotel without a car and in a bad neighborhood of a strange city. I also have put myself into dangerous situations because I cared more about getting my food fix than about my immediate safety. I also twice hit other cars, thankfully at low speed, because I was eating and not paying attention. I frantically hid the food I was eating because all I cared about was that no one knew I was eating. I was following someone and they stopped to see if I was okay. Luckily no one else was involved thankfully. One of them involved taking a turn too fast down a mountain and slamming into a guard rail. I have had at least three car accidents because I was overeating while driving. I need to remember parts of my history that show exactly how dangerous it is to me in this very moment so I don’t pick up that next compulsive bite. My disease likes to tell me that overeating or eating compulsively isn’t so bad, that it’s not as deadly as other addictions, or that the danger isn’t imminent so I don’t have to worry about it right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed and sad and tired and I need to surround myself with those support networks - now more than ever. I know there are resources and support out there for me - overeaters anonymous and others.
I am overweight and likely also malnourished because of overeating on the wrong types of foods. I looked it up and found out that people low on that protein are often malnourished. I actually had tests done after I had two miscarriages to see if there was anything wrong with me that was causing it and nothing came up on the bloodwork except for this one marker that the doctor didn’t think was significant - a certain protein that I was low on. Because of my eating disorder, I am able to eat even when experiencing nausea and my broken signals tell my brain that eating will make me feel better, even when it won’t. I have body image issues and fears about damaging my baby because of my disordered eating - past and present.
This is me - a binge eater who is now pregnant.
In case anyone else is in this situation.
0 kommentar(er)
